Sources inside the McCain campaign report that Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) will suspend his campaign sometime next week due to bailing out of his airplane over Waziristan and being captured by Al-Qaeda.  Video tapes to be released by the terrorist organization will reveal his heroism under torture and deprivation.  When pressured to divulge state secrets, including names of field agents with whom he has been in contact, McCain will cleverly list the starting rotation of the 1952 Philadelphia Athletics, and afterward will claim it was actually the starting lineup of the Brooklyn Dodgers, thus capturing both PA's and NY's electoral votes.  Finally, he will be decapitated before being released, having reattached his own head with duct tape.  Campaign officials argue that this will lay to rest any voter unease that losing his head in every crisis will be an impediment to his perseverance, courage, and heroic leadership.  

This string of events will demonstrate once and for all what a true maverick McCain is as a candidate, and will be as president.  The ad that the campaign plans to release in the aftermath will ask voters whether they want more politics as usual with Obama, who merely gives speeches and proposes legislation, or Maverick John McCain, who is the embodiment of American Heroism.  

When asked if they feared that voters will see this as another McCain stunt, McCain's representatives were shocked and outraged that anyone could question the heroism of the maverick candidate, the only true patriot in this race for the presidency.  They then immediately accused anyone who could even think such a thing as an extremist who hates America who is so far out of the mainstream they must be "in the tank" for Senator Obama.  "Who do you want as president," they asked, "someone who pals around with terrorist professors of education or someone who gets himself captured, tortured, and beheaded by terrorists?  We think the choice is clear and trust the American people to make the right decision."

Additional reports have leaked out that a motorcycle and a shark tank were recently delivered to the McCain "cottage" in Sedona, AZ.  More on this story as it develops.